In honor of Pablo's last day...

pablito
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

Pablo is so deep in thought he may not realize there's a sticky bubble resting on top of his head.

Here's the thing...

...And it's not a picture blogged from Flickr.

The thing is this: Living actually = Dying. This is no surprise to anyone. "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time," right? Every minute we live is one minute closer to death. We get it.

I think dating is just like this. 99% of all relationships are simply a countdown until endgame begins. Sometimes, we know from Day One that someone isn't right for us. Yet we continue down that path. Why? Lots of reasons. He's so hot so we don't care that he can't put together a complete sentence. She's perfectly happy to sit and watch football/basketball/baseball/hockey/tennis/badminton and will even bring you cold beer in the middle and cheer for your team. She might not even call their uniforms "outfits." You're just tired enough of being alone that you lower your standards and end up accidentally falling for someone (or tolerating them). You're both young enough that you figure it's a fling and it doesn't matter. You're just old enough that the entire world is starting to wonder if you'll ever find someone. Whatever. There are lots of reasons.

But the fact is, that until you actually find The One (should such a thing actually exist [and that's doubtful]), you're entering into a relationship that will end. It's nothing more than a matter of time.

My friend Amy was at a wedding recently and saw a young girl, 4 or 5, staring at the bride and groom with longing and hope. A woman standing near Amy said something to the effect of, "Isn't that sweet? She wants to be a bride." Amy remembers thinking, "No. It's horrible. That little girl's life just changed forever. From here on out, she's going to be hoping to find The One. She's destined for a life of heartache."

Two quotes:
Jesse: "What do you really want out of life?"
Dawnie: "I want someone to brush my teeth with when I go to bed at night."
--Wasteland

Marie: "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."
When Harry Met Sally

See, the thing is, I don't think there's any such thing as The One. There are certainly the Right Nows or the For a Few Months and, occasionally, the Just-For-Tonights. But the idea that a One exists is way too much pressure for anyone. Not to mention exhausting. If you really believed that, you'd live every day in a panic, worrying that you chose the wrong place to eat lunch and your One is actually down the street at Potbelly, not standing in line at Chipotle.

I've heard it said that people don't marry the person they love the most. They marry the person they're with when they're ready to get married.

One problem is this (there are many, too many for an already-overly-long-blog post): We all want Super Hot + Brains + Funny. And most of us, though we probably won't admit it, want Rich thrown in there as well because at the end of the day we're all lazy f---s who want someone else to take care of us while we play. (I've blogged about the desire for Hot, somewhat, before: Men are from... where?) First off, this combo so rarely exists. And what's Super Hot to me may not be remotely Super Hot to the next person. People who are funny are usually funny because they didn't have Hot to fall back on when they were in junior high/high school. Thus, the Funny. Brains? He's either got them or he doesn't. Not much you can do about that. So that "Perfect" Person exists so rarely in the universe as to be an anomaly. Odds are strongly against your finding him/her.

I can think of one of two solutions:
1) Give up the fantasy world & come back to Planet Earth.
2) Settle.

A third:
3) Screw finding someone you really like and just make your life a series of hook-ups. As seen on a t-shirt: Let's hook up and ignore each other later.

Are any of these options remotely attractive? Or do they fall into the category of overwhelmingly not?

Between the three, I think we go with #1 -- and realize that if there is such a thing as The One, whether he/she seems Super Hot/Smart/Funny at the outset, if we actually fall in love with him/her, he/she will very quickly become all of the above and then some. Our other option? Choose an existence of mediocrity.

But what do I know? I'm severely sleep-deprived & working on adding to it.

On second thought, I'll just marry the Awesome Guy. He'll always give me my iced grande nonfat vanilla latte. Who cares if he's got a live-in girlfriend and daughter? At least I'll be awake.

jazzy on the porch

jazzy on the porch
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

jasmine is happy i am back home and very content to be sitting on her bench.

airport sunset

airport sunset
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

a full sun for the drive home from love field.

lately i'm addicted to the sun & moon. along with my wint-o-green lifesavers.

cake

cake
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

my grandfather's 95th birthday cake for the party today. i decorated it myself. i think i've found my calling. except maybe not.

moon through the blinds

moon through the blinds
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

this doesn't do the moon justice at all. it was heartbreakingly stunningly beautiful.

what can you expect from a camera phone?

still, i like it. so here it is.

bunnies!

bunnies!
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

how cute are these little faces.

my steering wheel is blinded by the sun

vw
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

first photo taken with my new Dallas-area-coded cell phone before that phone became old phone due to technical difficulties.

i like the way the sun made its presence known like half a halo.

desk

desk
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

this is a little corner of my daily view. think it will work?

sunrise 06.22.05

sunrise 062205, originally uploaded by pcparker.

Two good things about Boot Camp this morning: 1) The blood-orange moon that hovered for half of class; 2) the blood-orange sun that rose as I pulled onto 75 to go to Abby's to get ready for work.

I think it's something of a paradox that pollution makes such things so pretty.

Oh, btw...

The two posts from Saturday are evidence of what happens when you start (co-)blogging post bar-time in Real Time. And so it goes...

Someone help this child, stat.

Free Katie.

For all the obvious reasons, plus Tom Cruise wears his pants way too tight & too short. Seriously. Next time you see him on TV, look.

2:51 am - update

"Your shirt is hot, Pamela. I'll give you that." - Taber

"But I'm not sharing the water. I already said that." - Taber

Quote for the night (morning?)

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. You're going for coffee and coffee leads to sex. You look like a million dollars and you're going for coffee. I don't know if I'm comfortable with this." - Taber, 2:45 am

"Are we going swimming or what?" - Me, 2:36 am (approx.)

"Where's the f-ing mouse?" - Me.

"Where's the coffee?" - Taber

"158,000. Maybe." - Taber
"Are you saying that's what I look like?" - Me
"But you still look like a milion dollars." - Taber
"Don't f--- this up." - Me
"You still look like a million dollars. Two million." = Taber
"Easy on the 'stop it, Tabers!' I'm trying to take care of the girls at my house. I thought I had to come take care of Pam and her beautiful shirt. [bringing us water] You guys have to share the water." - Charles
"I'm not sharing with Pamela." - Taber
"Okay, I'll share. Your shirt is beautiful." - Taber
I made up that he said he'll share. He won't share. Bastard.

And... We're Done.

Boot Camp: Week 1 - Complete.

I made it. I neither died nor threw up the entire week. Two whole days off before it begins again. I can't wait until it's over and I can morph back into a fun person who actually does something past ten o'clock at night. I've seen the sun rise more times this week than I have in the entire last year.

On Deck:
Batman at the IMAX. Love 2 o'clock Fridays.

And, thus, I have no time to write anything else.

Next week, I promise to try to be more entertaining.

On the iTunes: "Woo Hoo," The 5 6 7 8s

Boot Camp: Day 2

Pain makes you beautiful?

An insane amount of running around and around the American Airlines Center parking lot. Lots of weight lifting. Ridiculous stuff like “cherry pickers” (which we always called squat thrusts in elementary school P.E.), squats, and tons of ab work.

The good news: I didn’t feel like throwing up until after I left as opposed to in the middle like on Monday. I also didn’t see little black floating pools under my eyelids like I did on Monday that made me feel certain I was either going to faint or die at any moment. This is all positive.

Here's the only thing that got me out of bed at 4:30 today - last night, telling my brother-in-law I was going to quit for sure, he said, "People often trade what they really want for what they want right now." I think I might do that a lot in my life.

I am in a lot of pain, and I didn’t even do that well today. Abby, Billi, and Steven, however, were awesome. I can only aspire to such awesomeness. And hope that 12-hour Aleve kicks in very soon.

On the iTunes: "Scars," Papa Roach

Some Wholly Unrelated and Ultimately Arrogant Bits & Pieces

- An Important Announcement about Bubble Gum

Bubble gum does not go with coffee.
Nor does it go with Gatorade.
And yet, I drank my coffee and chewed my bubble gum.
Then I threw away my coffee cup and my bubble gum, and I took out a new piece of bubble gum, and then I drank some Gatorade.
Yum. I like Orbit.

- The Degree to which One Can Be Disliked

On Friday, I find out a piece of information about someone/some situation that I had not previously known. I can’t say I’m 100% surprised – in fact, some things make much more sense now – but I am somewhat surprised. I tell Abby. She stares back at me, blank, then says, “Yeah? Shocker.”
Me: Really? You had a feeling that’s what happened?

I’m wondering how Abby is more tapped into the situation than I am, though all too often in life we are the last ones to clue into our own situations. Why is this?

Abby: No. But I already dislike X so much, nothing you could tell me could make me dislike X any more than I already do. That’s how much I dislike X.

Wow.

Also of note, there were 35 s’s in that section. Okay, that's not really of note. But is any of this, really? (See below: Quote of the Day)

- Update on Emma and the Aunt-Pammy-Needs-to-Have-a-Baby Convo:

Two nights ago, before dinner:
I’m holding the baby.
Emma: Let’s pretend that you’re my mother and baby Reed is still in your tummy. But we won’t talk about it, okay?
Me: Why won’t we talk about it?

Seems to me we already have?

Emma: Because it will make you upset. Right?
Me: It’s okay, Emma. We can talk about it if you want to.
Emma: But you won’t be sad?
Me: I won’t be sad.

For a four-year-old, I think her memory and attention to sensitivity are remarkable.

A Quote for Today
Dan, the intern: I don't have a weblog. I'm not arrogant enough to think that the goings-on of my day are of interest to anyone else.

Upcoming Arrogance: Boot Camp: Day 2
On the iTunes: Coldplay, "Fix You"

Boot Camp: Day I

Alarm goes off at 4:30. I move Jasmine, sit up, put my feet on the floor and say, out loud, “This is ridiculous.”

Before the sun comes up, I will have run about a mile and a half, done calesthenics, and taken the military fitness test. Prognosis: 31 military-style push-ups (no girl push-ups; how rude), 20 military-style sit-ups (very disappointed in myself on that one), and a probably very-slow mile.

Things I realized about myself: I am much more out of shape than I thought, and I really am 34.

When you wake up at 4:30, you’re pretty much ready for lunch by 10.

Yay, boot camp.

fun with children

The setting:
Dinner last night, with my sister & her family at their house

The players:
Niece, Emma (4)
Nephew, Parker (2)
Sister, JoEllen
Brother-in-law, Lance
Baby nephew, Reed (4 weeks)
Me


Emma to JoEllen re Reed: I’m really glad you had a new baby, Mommy.
JoEllen: That’s sweet, Emma. I’m glad that you’re glad.
Emma to me: Aunt Pammy, someday you’ll have a baby.
Me: Do you think so?
Emma: Uh huh. You’ll get married and you’ll have a baby, someday.
Me: Okay.
Lance: Emma, let’s not talk about this, sweetie.
Emma: Why not?
Lance: Because it makes Aunt Pammy sad.
Emma: Why?
Lance: Because… (trying to figure out what to say) Because Aunt Pammy loves you so much and she wishes she could have a little girl just like you.
Me: (to Lance) Good answer.
Emma looks to me for confirmation. I nod that he’s right.
Emma: When you have a baby, will you name her Emma?
Me: No, that’s your name.
JoEllen: Aunt Pammy would have named her little girl Bella.
Me: Would have?
Lance: (laughing) Yeah, let’s not use the past tense.
JoEllen: (defensive) No, I meant, before there was an Emma and Ella [my other niece], she would have named her daughter Bella. Emma, Ella, and Bella?
Me: I still will name her Bella. (clarifying for Emma) It will actually be Arabella.
Emma: That’s a pretty name.
A pause.
Emma: You’ll have a baby, Aunt Pammy.
Me: I might not.
Emma: Yes, you will. It’s just going to be a long time.
Parker: (picking up the conversation) Long time baby, Aunt Pammy.

the future is uncertain

Charles: Why don’t you go write something on your blog?
Me: I’m tired of the blog. I think I’m going to take it down.
Charles: Forever?
Me: Yeah.
Charles: Why don’t you post a goodbye letter to your blog?
Me: That’s a great idea. (then, realizing) But then I can never turn back.
Charles: No, dude, you’d be done.
Me: …I’m not that definitive.

1 22 25 32 44, 13

“Pleasures await you by the seashore.”

I’ve gotten five fortunes today, one by way of Bazooka Joe, the other four compliments of fortune cookies at Pei Wei. The one above is my favorite for two reasons:

1) Even if pleasures await me by the seashore, I will never know because I’m nowhere near the seashore. This may seem like a negative, but look at it this way: I won’t for one second be thinking, My fortune forecasted pleasures awaiting me. Where are they? Where are those pleasures of which it spoke, dammit? I won’t ask this because I know where they are. Waiting for me by the seashore. No point wasting time looking for them here.

An aside: A student I once had, let’s call her Shannon (because that’s her name), spent an entire semester in my classroom taunting a fellow student and being generally surly. I wasn’t a huge Shannon-fan due to these two facts. She wasn’t a huge me-fan due to the fact that I was her teacher and the giver of many Cs. To be fair to me, a lot of her work was barely C-quality and I was really being quite generous.

This isn’t actually the point of this aside.

Shannon later began working at the campus restaurant/bar – Wackadoo's (yes, that’s right) – and suddenly loved me. “Hi, Ms. Parker!” “Want a diet Coke, Ms. Parker? With a little bit of regular Coke? No, there’s no charge!” Etc. Well, one day as I was waiting for my diet Coke w/a little bit of regular Coke @ Wackadoo's, Shannon was clearly engaged in a spat with one of her fellow Wackadoo's employees, this hulking fellow who was probably an FAU football player. What I heard of the exchange went like this:

Fellow employee: Look at it this way…
Shannon: Go fuck yourself. Look at it that way. (turning away) Hi, Ms. Parker!

Anyway. I can't help but think of that whenever I say/hear, "Look at it this way..." Back to the winning fortune…

2) It’s so very definitive. It doesn’t, for example, say something as simple as, “Good things are coming your way,” in which case I would a) be waiting for such good things in my own neighborhood, maybe even in my own house, and b) be forced to question any remotely positive thing that occurred as to whether or not it was the “good things” of which my fortune spoke. None such vagueness in mine.

And so it’s my favorite fortune of the day.

The ones that didn’t make the cut:
- Bazooka Joe: “Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind.”
Though good, I’m rarely afraid to say what’s on my mind. One step ahead of you, Joe.

- Pei Wei #2: “You like to know that your presence is felt and appreciated.”
Um, yeah.

- Pei Wei #3: “You will inherit a large sum of money.”
Well, maybe, but only if someone dies, and I don’t want that.

- Pei Wei #4: “You have the ability to overcome obstacles on the way to success.”
Hmm. Not so much.

And so "Pleasures await you by the seashore" is a clear winner.

Actually I don’t believe in fortunes. I just like the cookies. The gum, on the other hand, lost its taste after about 56 seconds.

But if I did believe, I'd know where to go.

100 Years

Did you ever see the Mel Gibson movie What Women Want? Remember the painfully shy girl who wandered through each day, sad, thinking constantly about how little she mattered to everyone else? She wonders how long it would take for her co-workers to notice if she didn’t shown up for work one day, or if they would notice. Once Mel Gibson’s character begins to “hear” her thoughts, he tries to help her, but he’s generally too consumed with Helen Hunt, with his own life, to do much about it.

But one day, she doesn’t show up for work, and, as she predicted, no one really notices – except, finally, him. Then he rushes to her house to save her, this extraordinarily sad girl who feels invisible and sometimes thinks she might as well go ahead and finish the job.

I know someone who reminds me of this girl. He’s quiet, keeps to himself, doesn’t do too much interacting. And I’m not saying this to be morbid, but sometimes I fear this same fate for him. One day he just won’t show up and, at first, no one will really notice. Maybe it will be on a Friday and everyone will think he’s out of town for the weekend. Come Monday, he’s just recovering from the weekend. Until enough days pass and finally it becomes clear that he isn’t ever coming back. And I’ll be the only one who knew all along exactly what was going to happen, and I’ll worry about what I possibly could have done to prevent it.

I’m not trying to be morbid. It’s just that I recognize that look in his eyes, the one we probably all have or have had at one point or another. His is just more constant.

I happened to be talking to him recently and mentioned that my great aunt is turning 99 this weekend. He filled up a cup of water then, as he turned to leave, said, “That’s great. I hope I’m that way.”

As I watched him leave, I felt an enormous sense of relief.

This One Goes to 11

1. Yes. Michael Vartan.
2. I should wear heels more often.
3. “Pain makes you beautiful.” (A beer for anyone who can name the band without Googling.)
4. Sleep deprivation is highly underrated.
5. Whenever you think something nice about someone, it’s good to say so.
6. Damien Rice: Beautiful music (to slit your wrists to).
7. “Hitting refresh will not make someone email you.”
8. The world would be a better place if we all stopped caring what everyone else thinks about us.
9. The world would be a better place if we accepted people’s limitations rather than hoping for -- or expecting -- more.
10. Hands. Stomachs. Eyes. Brains.
11. "The universe was a place of wonders, and only habituation, the anesthesia of the everyday, dulled our sight." – Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses