Last night...

I slept. Well.

Who Needs Sleep?

Every once in a while, I get insomnia. Usually, these bouts occur when my stress level is higher than normal, and last a month, maybe two. My most recent encounter with lying awake began in February, immediately after the much-discussed break-in. I also stopped eating and lost about 14 pounds. I got my appetite back more quickly than I'd like. I got over thinking every sound I heard was someone in my house. I still check every window before I drive into the garage. And the insomnia stuck.

I'm pretty sure I haven't had a full night's sleep now in about five and half months. Most nights my insomnia manifests itself in the form of avoidance. I'll do anything to keep from getting in bed, no matter how tired I am. Sometimes this works - stay awake long enough and once I finally give in, I have no choice but to fall asleep. The problem is I generally fall asleep for all of about 30 minutes, then I wake up again and go fitful the rest of the night. Not always. Sometimes I get lucky and make it a full five hours. (I need about 9...) Sunday night, for example, I thought for sure I would fall asleep immediately. I'd had very little sleep all weekend, and not from insomnia - just from being out. But, alas, no. I couldn't fall asleep for about an hour and a half. Then, yeah, fitful. Then, yeah, time to get back up.

I told my doctor of my plight and he gave me something to help me sleep. I took it one night and I slept great. In fact, I didn't wake up the next morning until 8:16. Of course, both of my alarms had been going off for almost two hours unbeknownst to drugged-me. Oh, and I had a meeting at work at 8:30. And a twenty minute drive to get there. So I haven't taken it since. Plus, it's actually an antidepressant that failed as an antidepressant because it simply put people to sleep. I'm anti-antidepressants, and I don't want a failed one.

I could use the time to be productive. Clean my house. Work on my various post-due freelance projects. Read. Something.

I don't. So, I stay awake, wasting time and up my daily caffeine intake little by little.

I'm exhausted.

Sally made me do it.

I explained to Sally that I work in advertising now and, as such, do not read books. She insisted I answer this anyway. Also, no one seems to be updating their blogs, leaving me with nothing to read (not books, of course), and I don't have anything interesting to say, so here it is.

Total number of books owned: Best guesstimate: I've got about 600 books in my house; quite a few more in boxes at my parents' house.

Last book bought: I made myself stop buying books because I have so many unread books, but I guess the last one I bought was The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. (Bought mind you, haven't read.)

Last book read: Hey, Whipple, Squeeze This
Starting tonight (because I'm ashamd of my lack of recent reading): David Foster Wallace - Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

Five books that mean a lot to you (in no particular order):
Katherine Paterson - Bridge to Terabithia
Denis Johnson - Jesus' Son
James Frey - A Million Little Pieces
Anne Lamott - Bird by Bird
Paulo Coelho - Veronika Decides to Die

Off to read. Or clean my kitchen.

Hey, guess what?

Chivalry, in fact, is not dead.

Be honest.

Is there really a point?

"Shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

The Middle Child

My entire family confides in me. They tell me issues they're having with another member of the family. They tell me suspicions they have about a spouse, a child, a mother-in-law, a friend. They tell me their own problems, their own struggles. And then they say, "Don't say anything." And so I walk around carrying it all, along with my own. And, really, I have plenty of my own.

I'm glad they feel they can confide in me. I'm glad I can be that person for all of them. I am that person for many of my friends as well, but somehow it's different. While I worry about friends going through tough times, something about it being your own family member makes it that much harder to bear.

It doesn't help that it's my nature to want to help everyone around me, to want to always make things better for everyone, to want everything to be okay. I'm sure this is a chicken and egg kind of situation - do I feel this way innately, or has it been nurtured in me by the role I've always played in my family?

I was already dwelling on my last few conversations with my brother, and now I've just finished a conversation with my mom that can only be described as heavy. The sadness - and helplessness - I am left with just feels heavy. It's information I don't want and I can't give it back.

No wonder I can never sleep.

The Wint-O-Green Lifesaver Saga Continues

So I had a little talk with myself in the car today on the way back from a meeting. I told myself that I would give up Lifesavers for the next two weeks. Two weeks is a reasonable goal. I didn't shoot for forever or anything crazy like that. Just long enough that maybe I would stop wanting them. Yes. I could do that.

I've been back to the office now about an hour and I've eaten twenty-three Lifesavers.

I have such terrific willpower.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

“Well, who can believe this?”

Boot Camp is finally over. No one has to listen to me bitch and moan about getting up at 4:30 anymore unless I sign up for Boot Camp again. Which is pretty much never going to happen.

We did our second PT test today (the first was on Day One) and I am happy to report I improved in every area except push-ups and I blame that on our Wednesday morning weight lifting.

Overall assessment of the experience: Brutal. Across-the-board brutal.

But, in the end, good for me (I think). And now I’m in the swing of exercising which is good, because bikini season’s got a good two months left. I just think I'll go back to kickboxing. It's much more fun to kick ass than to get your ass kicked.

Most importantly, I made it through and only missed one day. Better if I had missed zero days, but, alas. I liked watching the moon hang around and the sun rise through the red & orange ozone layer over 75. Seeing the elephants (including a little baby elephant) all lined up across the street this morning, prepping for the upcoming Barnum & Bailey’s Circus, was pretty cool, too. I’ll miss getting ready at Abby’s and not just because it forces me to pick out my clothes the night before. (Abby, if you’re reading this, you better keep watching the news in my absence or I’ll have to move back in. Lulu, be a good girl. Keep working on that whole potty training thing.)

Farewell, Boot Camp. Who knew 4 weeks could last so long?

On the iTunes: "Ohio (Come Back to Texas)" - Bowling for Soup
On Deck: Crazy ridiculous emails sent to me from randoms on My Space

New Template

Yay, cut and paste.

I'm so bored...

with the colors of my blog.

But I'm also way too lazy to cut and paste all of my links, etc. into my template.

Three random thoughts for today:

1) There’s nothing like going to the doctor to make you feel broken. Two + hours at the doctor’s office yesterday = all the regular stuff + blood test that included stealing way too much of my blood, an EKG, and a chest xray, and I get to go back next week for an echocardiogram and “whenever nuclear medicine calls” me for a thyroid scan, whatever in the heck that is. Also, nuclear medicine? I don’t like when doctors start running tests on your heart. My heart needs to start cooperating & play nice.

2) Jelly Belly makes some really good jelly beans. Why, then, do they insist upon adding to those really yummy ones things like jalapeno and popcorn and other disgusting and, really, just wrong flavors? Here I am, absent of wint-o-green lifesavers and thus getting my sugar fix from an assortment of jelly bellies, and along comes some jalapeno whatever to ruin the banana and coconut JBs I’ve just enjoyed.

3) Why do short weeks so often feel really, really long?

7.04.05

One of my favorite things:

On the back of a jetski, going so fast that all I can hear is the sound of the engine, the crash of the waves, and the rush of the wind filling my ears. Even whatever song was stuck in my head is lost in the sounds of the lake.

I did that a few times this weekend. Here's my view from on the SeaDoo, facing into the sun:

Like diamonds floating on the water...


I would normally say that was the highlight of my time at the lake (okay, at least a highlight), but this trip to the lakehouse, my highlight would have to be the time I got to spend with my brother and his daughter, Ella. A couple of pictures to see just how unbelievably adorable she is:

My brother & Ella on the dock

Ella watches the fireworks

Ella and me on the dock

I don't usually get to spend much time with them, even though they live in Austin. Ironically, the same reasons I don't normally get to be with them are the same reasons I was able to this weekend. Until this weekend, I'm not sure my niece had any clue who I was, or that I was even someone she should know. But when I put her to bed Saturday night, she lay in my arms and looked up at me, smiling, as I sang to her. And when she left today, she reached out for me and clung to my neck, crying, not wanting to leave. That broke my heart, but in that really good way that I think only children can. I already miss her.

I hope being able to spend time with Ella & know her as she continues to grow up become a constant, but I also worry that the only way that will happen means heartache for my brother. So what I'll really wish is that his happiness and my seeing him & Ella will be able to coexist.

Two other good things:
1) I made the 3 1/2 hour trip back to Dallas in 2 hours, 45 minutes -- and didn't get a ticket.
2) I'm sitting on my front porch with fabulous fireworks going off on either side of me while I eat my infamous lifesavers & drink a glass of the wine mysteriously left on my porch a few weeks ago.

A third:
Simultaneous fireworks finales.

In life, we should have fireworks way more often.

(A final note: As I was typing the above, the mysterious wine-giver revealed himself. Very strange...)

All in all, an excellent 4th of July.

Yay, Girls.

Yay, Girls.
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

It's still early at the Slingshot happy hour going away party for Pablo & Gina...

Eric & Jen

Eric & Jen
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

More from the Quarter

Dan
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

Dan & I pose for Billi.

Jen, Dan, Eric & me

Jen, Dan, Eric & me
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

Ah, the drinks start to pay off as the night wears on.

Cheers to the Girls

Cheers to the Girls
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

Tonight, like all other nights, Amy and I raise a glass to girlfriends.

Aww...

Aww...
Originally uploaded by pcparker.

Tressie & Barry are adorable.