Here's the thing...
...And it's not a picture blogged from Flickr.
The thing is this: Living actually = Dying. This is no surprise to anyone. "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time," right? Every minute we live is one minute closer to death. We get it.
I think dating is just like this. 99% of all relationships are simply a countdown until endgame begins. Sometimes, we know from Day One that someone isn't right for us. Yet we continue down that path. Why? Lots of reasons. He's so hot so we don't care that he can't put together a complete sentence. She's perfectly happy to sit and watch football/basketball/baseball/hockey/tennis/badminton and will even bring you cold beer in the middle and cheer for your team. She might not even call their uniforms "outfits." You're just tired enough of being alone that you lower your standards and end up accidentally falling for someone (or tolerating them). You're both young enough that you figure it's a fling and it doesn't matter. You're just old enough that the entire world is starting to wonder if you'll ever find someone. Whatever. There are lots of reasons.
But the fact is, that until you actually find The One (should such a thing actually exist [and that's doubtful]), you're entering into a relationship that will end. It's nothing more than a matter of time.
My friend Amy was at a wedding recently and saw a young girl, 4 or 5, staring at the bride and groom with longing and hope. A woman standing near Amy said something to the effect of, "Isn't that sweet? She wants to be a bride." Amy remembers thinking, "No. It's horrible. That little girl's life just changed forever. From here on out, she's going to be hoping to find The One. She's destined for a life of heartache."
Two quotes:
Jesse: "What do you really want out of life?"
Dawnie: "I want someone to brush my teeth with when I go to bed at night."
--Wasteland
Marie: "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."
When Harry Met Sally
See, the thing is, I don't think there's any such thing as The One. There are certainly the Right Nows or the For a Few Months and, occasionally, the Just-For-Tonights. But the idea that a One exists is way too much pressure for anyone. Not to mention exhausting. If you really believed that, you'd live every day in a panic, worrying that you chose the wrong place to eat lunch and your One is actually down the street at Potbelly, not standing in line at Chipotle.
I've heard it said that people don't marry the person they love the most. They marry the person they're with when they're ready to get married.
One problem is this (there are many, too many for an already-overly-long-blog post): We all want Super Hot + Brains + Funny. And most of us, though we probably won't admit it, want Rich thrown in there as well because at the end of the day we're all lazy f---s who want someone else to take care of us while we play. (I've blogged about the desire for Hot, somewhat, before: Men are from... where?) First off, this combo so rarely exists. And what's Super Hot to me may not be remotely Super Hot to the next person. People who are funny are usually funny because they didn't have Hot to fall back on when they were in junior high/high school. Thus, the Funny. Brains? He's either got them or he doesn't. Not much you can do about that. So that "Perfect" Person exists so rarely in the universe as to be an anomaly. Odds are strongly against your finding him/her.
I can think of one of two solutions:
1) Give up the fantasy world & come back to Planet Earth.
2) Settle.
A third:
3) Screw finding someone you really like and just make your life a series of hook-ups. As seen on a t-shirt: Let's hook up and ignore each other later.
Are any of these options remotely attractive? Or do they fall into the category of overwhelmingly not?
Between the three, I think we go with #1 -- and realize that if there is such a thing as The One, whether he/she seems Super Hot/Smart/Funny at the outset, if we actually fall in love with him/her, he/she will very quickly become all of the above and then some. Our other option? Choose an existence of mediocrity.
But what do I know? I'm severely sleep-deprived & working on adding to it.
On second thought, I'll just marry the Awesome Guy. He'll always give me my iced grande nonfat vanilla latte. Who cares if he's got a live-in girlfriend and daughter? At least I'll be awake.
The thing is this: Living actually = Dying. This is no surprise to anyone. "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time," right? Every minute we live is one minute closer to death. We get it.
I think dating is just like this. 99% of all relationships are simply a countdown until endgame begins. Sometimes, we know from Day One that someone isn't right for us. Yet we continue down that path. Why? Lots of reasons. He's so hot so we don't care that he can't put together a complete sentence. She's perfectly happy to sit and watch football/basketball/baseball/hockey/tennis/badminton and will even bring you cold beer in the middle and cheer for your team. She might not even call their uniforms "outfits." You're just tired enough of being alone that you lower your standards and end up accidentally falling for someone (or tolerating them). You're both young enough that you figure it's a fling and it doesn't matter. You're just old enough that the entire world is starting to wonder if you'll ever find someone. Whatever. There are lots of reasons.
But the fact is, that until you actually find The One (should such a thing actually exist [and that's doubtful]), you're entering into a relationship that will end. It's nothing more than a matter of time.
My friend Amy was at a wedding recently and saw a young girl, 4 or 5, staring at the bride and groom with longing and hope. A woman standing near Amy said something to the effect of, "Isn't that sweet? She wants to be a bride." Amy remembers thinking, "No. It's horrible. That little girl's life just changed forever. From here on out, she's going to be hoping to find The One. She's destined for a life of heartache."
Two quotes:
Jesse: "What do you really want out of life?"
Dawnie: "I want someone to brush my teeth with when I go to bed at night."
--Wasteland
Marie: "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."
When Harry Met Sally
See, the thing is, I don't think there's any such thing as The One. There are certainly the Right Nows or the For a Few Months and, occasionally, the Just-For-Tonights. But the idea that a One exists is way too much pressure for anyone. Not to mention exhausting. If you really believed that, you'd live every day in a panic, worrying that you chose the wrong place to eat lunch and your One is actually down the street at Potbelly, not standing in line at Chipotle.
I've heard it said that people don't marry the person they love the most. They marry the person they're with when they're ready to get married.
One problem is this (there are many, too many for an already-overly-long-blog post): We all want Super Hot + Brains + Funny. And most of us, though we probably won't admit it, want Rich thrown in there as well because at the end of the day we're all lazy f---s who want someone else to take care of us while we play. (I've blogged about the desire for Hot, somewhat, before: Men are from... where?) First off, this combo so rarely exists. And what's Super Hot to me may not be remotely Super Hot to the next person. People who are funny are usually funny because they didn't have Hot to fall back on when they were in junior high/high school. Thus, the Funny. Brains? He's either got them or he doesn't. Not much you can do about that. So that "Perfect" Person exists so rarely in the universe as to be an anomaly. Odds are strongly against your finding him/her.
I can think of one of two solutions:
1) Give up the fantasy world & come back to Planet Earth.
2) Settle.
A third:
3) Screw finding someone you really like and just make your life a series of hook-ups. As seen on a t-shirt: Let's hook up and ignore each other later.
Are any of these options remotely attractive? Or do they fall into the category of overwhelmingly not?
Between the three, I think we go with #1 -- and realize that if there is such a thing as The One, whether he/she seems Super Hot/Smart/Funny at the outset, if we actually fall in love with him/her, he/she will very quickly become all of the above and then some. Our other option? Choose an existence of mediocrity.
But what do I know? I'm severely sleep-deprived & working on adding to it.
On second thought, I'll just marry the Awesome Guy. He'll always give me my iced grande nonfat vanilla latte. Who cares if he's got a live-in girlfriend and daughter? At least I'll be awake.
posted by pamela at 11:30 PM
13 Comments:
Feel better? lol
Love you. xox
Read today's article on thephatphree.com - the one titled "Where's MY love poem?!" - a little hope PCP?
Three "The Ones," huh? Interesting. Will someone hold up a sign letting us know as we pass One by?
Funny, I was thinking about the arranged marriage thing. If my parents got to choose, my mom would pick the first guy she happened to walk by and my dad would choose for me to stay single forever (his little girl, all that stuff).
Yeah, they say you can confuse chocolate with love, too. We'd be fat, but happy.
Actually, that doesn't work either. I don't like chocolate that much.
Also -- SRS: Love the url for your blog. Absolutely perfect. Now go put something on it.
pamela, this post made me kinda sad, but tai, if your student is right then i'm pretty thrilled bc i'm pretty sure i haven't met the One yet so i've still got 3 opportunities. yay :) the only downside is what if you marry 1st One and then you meet 2nd One. confusion and chaos would ensue, no?
Well, it wasn't meant to be happy. :)
Perhaps that Three Ones thing is the reason for the high divorce rate in America. Just a thought?
Welcome back, btw! I await a very long blog on Russia.
Pamela, do you believe in the 'soulmate' thingy?
Aladdin: I'd like to. I really want such a thing to exist, and some days I'm even hopeful that it does. Others... I get a little cynical about the whole thing. You? Anyone?
Had it once, won't settle for less. Hope it's more. I'll wait. Cheers to the girls. Love you
AEL: Big love to you, too. :)
I think there are three mistakes people make:
1) We expect a "good" relationship to = an easy relationship. This is never true. A good relationship requires constant attention and work. Like a little tree.
2) We overshoot. Ever seen the Modelizer episode of Sex & the City? Pudgy balding guys think they should have the Supermodel.
3) We undershoot. Girls? Ever lower your standards just to be rewarded with some variation of yeah... you're just not perfect enough for me (veiled in other words, of course)?
Maybe the mistake lies in believing the fanatsy,you know, that we are suppsoed to be with just one person for a long time. The people who did it mostly did it out of convenience, or familiarity ( you get used to having someone in your life for so long that you can't conceive of your life without them, even if you hate them) and not out of Love as we are all told. If anything, familiarity is more powerful then love: love is fickle, familiarity is constant. It's the differnece between someone going through a drug phase and someone with a drug habit: the first one could be for a long time but eventually ends, the second stays with you no matter what!
I dunno, i am more of a serial monogamist myself, a believer that any relationship reaches its toxic level after 3 years and its ideal expiration date is 6- 9 months. After that you have heard everything the person has had to say, you perfected the art of pleasing them in bed and you have clearly identified every annoying little thing they do that gets on your nerves, and god knows they told you every funny story and memory of their lives at least twice and you swear to god if they told that funny ( no longer to you) anecdote/story in front of you one more time you will staple their mouth shut with a staple gun.
Or maybe it's that i get bored easily of people!
Hmm....
Sandmonkey:
It's an interesting theory. I think it's probably the same thought behind the seven-year-itch.
So is there any hope for a happy, long-term relationship (the emphasis on "happy" rather than "long-term")?
Sandmonkey:
It's an interesting theory. I think it's probably the same thought behind the seven-year-itch.
So is there any hope for a happy, long-term relationship (the emphasis on "happy" rather than "long-term")?
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