Monday, August 22, 2005

Six Feet Under

Many times, when I post here, I've thought about what I want to say and, sometimes, how I want to say it. Others -- obviously -- I haven't. This is somewhere in between.

I just finished watching the series finale of Six Feet Under. I quit watching it for a while because I found it too depressing, but for some reason, this season, I missed only one episode. If you watch it, then you know how it all ended. If you didn't, the very short version is, in the end, they all die. The entire Fisher family, one by one, in the future, at their given moment in time. And there was something simultaneously heartbreaking and life-affirming about those deaths playing out against the backdrop of Claire driving away from home to start her own life.

It should go without saying: Life is short.

Sometimes we forget. Often, I do.

I was talking with my boss a week or so ago about marriage and family and life and time. He asked how old I was and I told him I will be 35 in September. I'm not happy about it, and I told him that, too. He said, "You've got a good 35 years to go."

I didn't like his answer. It didn't sound like much time. I'm terrified of time passing.

And yet, I live almost exclusively in a regretted past and an imagined future; rarely in the now. Maybe that's because the times that I decide to forget about things that have gone wrong before or worry about what could go wrong in the future and just go forward anyway, I've gotten burned. But (as I mentioned in my Grand Gesture post) aren't there worse things than getting burned?

That may sound like I think we should live in Grand Gestures, and perhaps I gave that impression in the earlier post (or even in the sentence above). If so, I'm amending it here. Respect the fact that today even exists enough not to waste gestures -- grand or otherwise -- on anyone or anything that isn't worth it. Take chances on people, sure. Give people second chances, the benefit of the doubt. But don't give them everything. Don't give them your power. Especially when they've done nothing to prove themselves worthy; especially when they do the opposite. Today is it. This is all we're guaranteed, and we aren't even guaranteed the whole day. This minute. Right now.

Eradicate the unnecessary. Embrace those who are willing to be embraced, and willing to embrace in return. And if you are one of the unembraceable, you have a choice: Give up the act; allow yourself to be vulnerable; let someone in.

Or not.

I have been in an increasingly deepening valley lately with these tiny spikes in-between. I'm tired of it. Those of you who are around me daily are probably tired of it too. I can't promise I'll wake up tomorrow ready to take it all on, but I hope that I will. I hope I'll respond to the challenges that face me tomorrow as I just did the bottle of sesame seeds I knocked from the counter moments ago leaving me with glass and sesame seeds everywhere -- right after I'd cleaned the whole kitchen.

I cleaned it up.

I moved on.


Blogger ROYKADAIRISGAY said...

You and I sound like we've been living parallel lives. Sorry about my username. I chose that one to combat a friend who posted some pictures about me and made funny comments below them.


11:22 PM  
Blogger pamela said...

I can't wait to see you on Wed.

11:49 PM  
Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

*standing ovation*

5:13 AM  
Blogger egyptiansally said...

bravo. you're making it about choice. you have a choice to let someone in or not. you have a choice to listen to your gut or not. because let's face it, we know it's the wrong person. we know that they're gonna hurt us, but we let them in anyway because it feels good at the time. but somehow walking away feels even better.

i'm off to chicago today but give me a ring whenever you have time.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

You've posted a lot since my last visit. I love this one. You are right on "it." I recently stood up for myself in a relationship and it did, as sally so matter-of-factly stated, feel better to walk away.
huge to you, P.P.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

lol....I meant "hug." but if it's something huge that you need......well: call me ;)

10:55 AM  
Blogger pamela said...

T-A-I, You make me laugh. Huge to you, too.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rock on!

Girl Power, bitches!

8:18 PM  

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