"Alcohol, my permanent accessory" - BNL
Ridiculous things you may do after drinking:
You may tell a co-worker that you and your friend call him Hot [Insert Name Here].
You may do blue bubble-gum shots with twenty-something co-workers. It has something to do with Jägermeister, which you swore off when you were in college. Unlike your co-workers, college was a long time ago.
You may send text messages you swore in the light of sober you would never send.
You may increase intoxication level by accepting a bet from boys who refuse to believe you are not 24. You may prove your 34-ness by showing I.D. and increase intoxication level with vodka-something drink that they buy you as a result.
You may leave your new white Lucky jacket at the bar.
You may find yourself driving down a one-way street the wrong way. You may only become aware of such fact because a cop flashes his lights at you.
Revision: You may find yourself driving.
You may cruise through your cell phone, dialing people you haven’t spoken to in months. You may leave long, rambling, drunken messages that will certainly make no sense once the receiver hears them.
You may decide you absolutely must have tacos and a bucket of diet Coke at 1:15 in the morning.
You may find yourself on the phone with your old boss in Los Angeles at 1:45 in the morning. The only thing that will save you is that he is also drunk.
You may stay on the phone until four in the morning, thus ensuring less than four hours of sleep.
You may wake up and feel as though you are still drunk.
You may quickly replace this boaty feeling with a stabbing headache and puffy eyes.
You may drink tons of caffeine and water during the day in an attempt to bounce back. You may find that you’re starting to bounce back more quickly than you were, say, a month ago. Around one, you may begin making plans to go out drinking again that night.
Rinse and repeat.
You may tell a co-worker that you and your friend call him Hot [Insert Name Here].
You may do blue bubble-gum shots with twenty-something co-workers. It has something to do with Jägermeister, which you swore off when you were in college. Unlike your co-workers, college was a long time ago.
You may send text messages you swore in the light of sober you would never send.
You may increase intoxication level by accepting a bet from boys who refuse to believe you are not 24. You may prove your 34-ness by showing I.D. and increase intoxication level with vodka-something drink that they buy you as a result.
You may leave your new white Lucky jacket at the bar.
You may find yourself driving down a one-way street the wrong way. You may only become aware of such fact because a cop flashes his lights at you.
Revision: You may find yourself driving.
You may cruise through your cell phone, dialing people you haven’t spoken to in months. You may leave long, rambling, drunken messages that will certainly make no sense once the receiver hears them.
You may decide you absolutely must have tacos and a bucket of diet Coke at 1:15 in the morning.
You may find yourself on the phone with your old boss in Los Angeles at 1:45 in the morning. The only thing that will save you is that he is also drunk.
You may stay on the phone until four in the morning, thus ensuring less than four hours of sleep.
You may wake up and feel as though you are still drunk.
You may quickly replace this boaty feeling with a stabbing headache and puffy eyes.
You may drink tons of caffeine and water during the day in an attempt to bounce back. You may find that you’re starting to bounce back more quickly than you were, say, a month ago. Around one, you may begin making plans to go out drinking again that night.
Rinse and repeat.
posted by pamela at 2:21 PM
12 Comments:
You may find yourself knowing exactly how many bricks are in the wall directly behind the urinal.
Hilarious.
You may find yourself getting your 8th grade boyfriend who's now grown into a fine young executive and, arguably, one hell of a catch in Dallas, to go "fetch" said jacket thereby interrupting his night of drinking in order not to interrupt your own. You do this because you know you own him...still.
Said boyfriend meets hottie bartender type, so it's not a complete loss...unless, of course, he tells her he wants to "hot her box" ;)
8th grade girlfriend does not properly thank 8th grade boyfriend for said task when, in fact, she greatly appreciates it, even if the jacket turns out to have been stolen. The 8th-grader-in-her still remembers the 8th-grader-in-him who shattered her little heart via three-way. And before anyone gets on a hot box threesome track, I do mean three-way calling with boy-in-question, myself, and Sharron Spence. She also remembers the 8th-grader-in-him who tried to sneak a peek at her chest while she was practically hyperventilating with panic watching When a Stranger Calls.
Even so, thank you. It was a noble thing to do.
Now I must go and re-purchase my jacket that I bought a week ago in Austin...
You may find yourself flirting with everyone at the bar, regardless of gender or age. You make your way to the dance floor where you see a cute boy who slightly resembles Johnathon Schaech when the lights on the dance floor shine just to his right. You make your way over to him, really trying to avoid your obnoxiously vulgar date, and start dancing with the Johnathon-look-alike, who is very appreciative of said dancing, judging by his hands on your hips and some occasional pelvis bumping.
The next morning, you may find yourself wondering where you've seen Johnathon-look-alike before and realize, post-hangover vomit, that you were his freshman comp. teacher last semester.
8th grade boy takes all his little 8th grade heart can get. Does she remember the time he took her to a classy golf tournament and sneeked peeks all day long?
Gosh that was a good day! I rememer it so very clearly...
Anonymous 1: Yay for hitting on or being hit on by students. Excellent. Will we be seeing Johnathon look-alike again?
Anonymous 2 (aka 8th grader): 8th grade g.f. remembers said golf tournament well, but is surprised 8th grade b.f. does after the insane number of beers he consumed at such event. ;) Her nicely sunburned (and well-massaged) shoulders (yay, Omar) are a testament to a successful & fabulous day at the Byron Nelson.
And what's with all this anonymous business anyway?
No, I haven't. Odessa vodka? That totally rocks!
Having fun?
Steven: Sometimes abstinence is a virtue. Didn't I do such a nice job of driving us home in your gigantic truck?
Obnoxiously vulgar date steps in and essentially cock blocks Johnathon look-alike, thus ending any hope of a romantic teacher/student tryst.... Unless of course I'm drunk again and Johnathon look-alike in right light is around.
The right light is always important. Johnathon Schaech in any light is probably hot.
Do we know how old the former student is?
I always thought a certain graduate student should have taken a certain freshman comp student up on his dating offers... (Vexler, anyone?)
Former student: 19
Yes, now that I think about it, a certain grad student should have taken Vexler up on his offers :)
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